Scotty's Everything Spot
Recent Forum Posts
Recent Forum Posts
Do you want a real look into my life? Well, here it is. I am 25 years old, and I still have doubts about where my life is taking me. I know that most people who are my age usually are married, have children, know what they are doing, and know where they are going in life. I don’t have any of these things. I feel as if I am a ship tossed about in a hurricane.
Have you had to deal with frustration? I deal with it every day. I am frustrated with the circumstances I find myself in. I feel as if most people don’t like me, but I try not to show it. The people I call my “friends” only come around when they either want something, or want me to do something for them. It hurts deep inside, but this is simply the way things go. True friendship is something I desire as much as the air I breathe.
How about sadness? I feel sadness a good portion of the time, but as with most of my emotions I have learned to not let it show. I haven’t cried since I was eight years old. I went through hell as a child, and at a young age all of my tears ran dry. I feel pain because of the things in my life, but you would never know it. I choke my feelings off since it is better to never let your weaknesses show than to have someone use them against you. I have been told that I’m un-emotional, but now one will ever know the raging seas of emotion inside, and how much I would love to release them. Serenity would be a beautiful thing to have.
Do you know about dreams crushed? I know of this all too well. I have had dreams crushed by circumstances beyond my control. I grew up in an impoverished and broken home, living with each parent, and with different relatives, so of course I went to different schools all of the time. I had teachers, students, family, and “friends” tell me that I wasn’t good enough, or that I would never be able to……… You get the picture. Hope deferred makes the heart grow weary.
I have had desire unfulfilled throughout my life. I have seen beauty, only to have it denied to me. I have felt love, but love wasn’t returned. I have felt loneliness and longing ever since I was a teenager, but I have never found my true love. I wonder if she is out there for me, and if so, how long will it be before I find her? Love unfulfilled is like having your heart ripped out and handed to you on a daily basis.
I sometimes feel despair, deep dark despair that is as deep and as black as the midnight sky. I sometimes want to move to a different place where nobody knows me and start a new life. I sometimes question what I am doing. All I know is that I have to keep carrying on, and to fulfill the purpose for my life. I still don’t know what the future holds, but I guess I will see when I get there
Today when I got home I had an email from someone who has taken me being nice and threw it right in my face. They said some hurtful things, and it is not the firs time that's happened. I've had the same thing happen with multiple people. Being the nice guy and letting all the crap people have done to me pass me by has gotten me nowhere. All it has led to is be being a lonely 34 year old punching bag that people use and discard when they are done with me. That's over now. Being the nice guy sure as hell doesn't work. The only thing it causes is hurt piled upon more hurt that no one knows about because I have to keep a smile on my face and be the strong one. No more Mr. Nice Guy now. If someone does not treat me with respect they can go to hell for all I care. I'm done with caring.
I was working on something nice for this person, but now they can screw themselves. I was also going to bring someone they deeply care about to an anime con for them. I was going to drive 160 miles out of my way to get someone from them, but they blew that one. If another friend of mine has not gotten their pass to this certain convention then I will cancel my room there and not show up at a small con where there will be a hostile environment for me due to this person being there. I've helped people out too many times financially, with a place to stay (sometimes long term), by going way out of my way to make sure they get somewhere thy need to be, or even with things like fixing things for them for free, whether it be computers or cars, and I've rescued people from abusive situations. No more. I'm going to have to look out for me from now on. No one likes a nice guy, but everyone is fine with a jerk. Fine, I can get rid of the nice guy. I'm not going to go around being a jerk, but I'll take care of myself and others can take care of themselves.
I don't give a damn who reads this. I have had it and I've reached the breaking point. Either I am going to break, or things will have to change. Well, I've done more than enough so to hell with it. If my bluntness offends I really don't care. Like I said, Mr. Nice guy is a lonely 34 year old who has cared and tried too damn much, so much that it hurts, and so much it has went beyond hurt. So yeah, I've learned my lesson now. If people are my friends they will meet me half way. It's not going to be me giving 90%, or even more, giving until I am wrung out and there is nothing left. Someone wants to screw me over? Someone wants to tell me all I have done is not good enough? They are not my friend, and I doubt they ever were. I'll go ahead and forgive what is in the past, but there will be nothing in the present or future.
If any of those people get on here and read this, and it hits close to home, then so be it. If anyone reads this and they know they have pulled this crap on either me or someone else, then do what is right and apologize. Not to me, to those you have screwed over. While I am not directing this to anyone on my friends list I have made this public so everyone can read it. I know some of the people who have walked over me in the past do get on here and read crap. I hope like hell they find this. If you are someone who feels the same way I do, but don't want to tell everyone go ahead and post a link to this. I don't care. There is no point in caring. The only point now is to say what needs said.
Lesbians will be the death of me. Well, maybe not the death of me, but they sure do keep me from having a girl for me! I'm a nerd, and I make no secret of that fact. I've always been a nerd (maybe a geek) and always wil be, so that keeps girls who are not nerds from liking me. Me not liking sports, clubbing, etc really limits things, and when a girl sees my anime and figurine collection? Ack, that's a killer right there in and of itself. Not even going to mention cosplay... I actually had someone tell me my wall o' anime and figurines is the 30 year old virgin wall, because they know no girl is going to go for someone with all that stuff! That is, unless she is also a nerd, like I am. I guess now I can get to the point.
So, now that the conclusion is a nerdy girl is the one for me and only me (hey, I'm looking for the same thing Chi from Chobits is looking for) that brings me to my point. Since I'm not a pedo, meaning even if a girl is an adult at 18 or 19 that still does not mean she's old enough for me. I've heard it said that the minimum datable age is half your age plus 7 years, which comes out to 24 for me. The last few girls that expressed interest in me were not quite there yet. They were all 18-20. So, that's one problem. The other one is if a girl is single AND nerdy at any age over 24 she is likely to be a lesbian, therefore not interested at all. When you get to the few single girls that are in their upper 20s to mid 30s that are in nerd-dom then yep, they only like other girls. What is a nerdy single guy to do? I don't know, and it sucks.
Heh, maybe I should get one of those mail order brides and tell her that I'm normal for an American. By the time she lears the culture here maybe I'd have her converted over to otakuism. At least I know I am not alone in this. You should see the rate of singleness among the dealers at anime cons.
So, the last few girls that were single, near my age, and nerdy that I asked out were lesbians, and that makes me sad. At least they have had a happy note since then, they have all found girlfriends!
Never going to win...
Never going to win...
I have waited and debated on posting this rant. You've probably already guessed what it's about too, yep, my seeming inability to find a girl for me. I know, I know there are those who tell me to keep plugging away, that it will happen some day, but I have kept plugging away, and yet I get the same result, which is me still being single.
A week and a half ago at Otakon I noticed something while selling DVDs. Most people had someone. Guys with half rotted butter teeth. Guys who were 350+ pounds, covered in pimples, and no social skill whatsoever. Guys who had neck beard and bad BO, all of them had girls! And plenty of nice looking girls at that! How is it that they can get a girl to like them, yet I seem to not be able to?
Is there something wrong with me that I do not see? Some type of defect? Is it fated for me to be alone forever? It is beginning to look that way. I quit counting the rejections at 70-something in a row. Who knows where I am now. Do I have some type of self defeating attitude? I don't think I do, but something has to be wrong. I've never heard of a record like mine is.
I'm turning 35 in 2 and a half weeks. Yeah, 35, and still no one for me. No one for me at all. Seriously, what must I do? I've put myself on multiple dating sites. I've put myself in places to meet girls. I've been talking to girls, but normally it seems all girls I talk to are married, have a boyfriend, etc.
I guess I could find a girl if I were to sell all my anime, science fiction, art, cosplays, and figurines. If I give up my anime cons and start going to football games and hanging out at bars. Or maybe if I were able to erase 10 - 15 years, because I see plenty who are younger at cons with girls. Or maybe if I started acting like an asshole, because as we all know, girls from some reason like those kind of guys! Well, none of those are going to happen, so, is it fate? Has God himself decreed my loneliness? Why can I not get a girl who likes me for me?
Who knows, maybe that assessment we had to take at work over our health and lifestyle was right, and that I am depressed. If that's the case this bout of depression has went on for years. I really don't think it is depression, but more of a sense of loneliness, like being in a group, but not part of it. Like I am alien in some way, or maybe have some defect I can not see when comparing myself with the rest of humanity, but one that is visible for miles away.
I'm feeling like crap, so I am going to sign off and go to bed. Maybe while asleep I can dream about something good other than mundane, lonely, and bleak reality. A good dream about some reality where the geeky guys win, and the nice guys finish first and get the girl.
posted the following over a year ago, and yet things are still the same for me. IDK what is wrong with me, no, maybe I do, but I don't know how to fix it. Sucks that over a year later and it still holds true. I turn 34 in 17 short days. Just 17 days until another lonely birthday. How do these druggies, abusive people, the ones who go through life using and taking from others have someone else but I don't? I have no idea, but it's beginning to both piss me off and turn me bitter about things at the same time. What am I? Someone who is good enough to be a friend? The guy who makes people laugh? The one who knows all about computers, cars, etc, but is not good enough for the girl. Yeah, that seems to be me. Well, here's what I wrote over a year ago and things still have not changed:
Well, chalk one up to a clueless me. I was in Chicago this past weekend and while there I went to the Museum of Science and Industry. I wore one of my shirts with a witty saying on it, this time the one that says 'Genius by birth, slacker by choice." Well, this girl who was working one of the exhibits, a very pretty girl at that, came up and asked me about my shirt. We spoke for a minute and since the rest of the people I was with were moving on I did too. We were in the Harry Potter exhibit. Well, what I did NOT know, and no one told me this until I was already out of there and could not reenter was that she was hitting on me. Yep, that's what they all said, that she was giving me an opening there. I had no idea.
See, what the problem is is that I have no idea if a girl likes me or not. Not a clue. I had to quit school at 15 and get a job (lied about my age) full time to help my dad pay bills. Before that I moved alot, never staying in one place for more than 6 months to a year, so I was always the new guy, the outsider. It was like being the outcast as a child, then thrust into adulthood in some ways, and never learning the social ques and interactions all of you take for granted.
I have still not learned them really. All because of that I got stereotyped and then ignored. Look at the nerd. The guy with no clue. The one we want nothing to do a thing with. Later, as I got bigger it became look at the intimidating, scary, and overly serious guy. Then since I started losing hair at age 23 and now have some baldness to deal with (it's to the point where I'm about to keep my head shaved) I am the guy who looks older than he is, and since I have a sedentary job, and since I have put on some weight what kind of girl wants to date a guy who has lost quite a bit of hair and is kinda fat. The only reason I can think of that girl flirting with me is the light in there sucked. It was dark, and I was wearing a shirt that was loose and baggy on me.
Who knows? Maybe I am wrong about myself. Maybe that girl who was working the HP exhibit at the museum could see me clearly. Maybe since she was from somewhere else she did not have the same standard of looking at people that the places I've lived and been to have for looking at people. I'll never know.
I have people out in reality turn to me for advice, and I always tell them to never give up hope. I tell people not to dwell on things, and that it will always get better. I tell them that if you persevere the pain, the hurts, the situations in life where you are dealt a crappy hand will right itself, that things will balance out. I've not cried a tear since I was 8 years old, because I've seen the worst. I know nothing I will experience in this lifetime will be the equal to what I have seen. Sometimes I wish I could let go. Sometimes I wish I could take my own advice. Sometimes I wish I could know what it is to be a member of humanity, not an outsider looking in.
I guess IRL I am a great actor. No one who sees and knows me in reality will ever guess how I feel. I will never tell them either. Does that doom me to being single forever? Does the fact that I can not read others and how they feel towards me too well keep a barrier between me and others? Am I magnifying every defect and fault in myself to a point that is is out of proportion with reality? Did I blow the one chance, the one clear chance with a nice looking girl who is within a reasonable distance of my age because I lack the social skills to know what is going on? Am I my own worst critic? I don't know. Maybe I am too messed up in my view of me, but I don't really know. Well, here's to the end of the rant and the end of my griping about a situation that was nothing more than my own fault. Maybe me being clueless saved me from a harsher blow in the end.
tried OKcupid, fail, Yahoo personals, fail, EHarmony, fail, and in fact had my profile rejected based on my personality test, Craigslist, fail. Fail, fail, fail. Loads of failures. In fact, I have a streak of rejections over 50 long, quite possibly over 70 long. I dunno, I quit counting when I hit 50. In fact, I have never once had any success when asking a girl out. Rejection every time. I've gotten the "ohh, but you're too nice, let's just stay friends" with the friendship fading away shortly thereafter to the "What the hell makes you think I would date someone like you?!" deal in front of everyone. I've asked a couple girls out this year, and guess what, fail. After you've been rejected every single time over a period of 19 years (first time I asked a girl out I was 15) it gets old and you simply hit a point of wanting to give up.
I've been hanging on, hoping against hope and against the trend I've had going on that something will happen. The only girls I've dated I was fixed up with by someone else, but the longest relationship lasted a couple months. I've had a couple girls ask why I never asked them out before, after they were with someone else of course. Also of course they never said a thing or gave me any type of hint. So I had no idea until it was too late. I've came to the conclusion that there really is not someone for everyone. Whoever tells you that is either deluded or lying.
Girls don't like guys who are into the things I like. Sure, there are some between the ages of 16-22 that do, and maybe a couple years after that, but when you get into my datable age range they only want either guys with money and loads of out ward appearances of success, guys who will be a replacement daddy for their pile of kids without having a real relationship, or beer swilling sports fanatics, and all of them want guys who are into all the "manly things like beer, sports, nascar, etc. They don't want guys who like anime, science fiction, cos/crossplay, and who are not into sports and hanging at bars. Bars and such make me nervous, I can't stand the smell or taste of beer, and I really don't like sports or nascar. Yeah, I'm a nerd. Girls have an aversion to nerds. You don't have to keep saying "Ohh, you're going to find someone" because I have not after all these years, and I am not going to become someone who is not real so I can become what others like.
Seriously, I turn 35 next year. August 29th, 2011 I will be 35 years old. By that time EVERYONE, and I mean everyone has their families started, they are in the relationships, and all the rest. I guess that's the official give up because I am bitter date, the date I will never ask a girl out again. Of course with my string of failures I may not ask one out even before then, because it sure has never worked in the past. Don't they say that insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result? I may be a bit crazy, but I'm not insane.
I do not drink, so they left me alone
I do not do drugs ,so they left me alone
I do not go out to events ,so they left me alone
I say "Hi', one look and they left me alone
I do not wear clothes other peers liked ,so they left me alone
I do not watch sports ,so they left me alone
I am not rich, so they left me alone
I try ,I try to have friends but they left me, so I asked what is it I have to do to have friends in order not to be alone, so they tell me do all these things we do and we will not leave you.
So I wait for death thus so no one will miss me
In death I will not feel alone.
Why can't I have them? Why don't I have them? Why am I so lonely? Is it even worth it? No one within 100 miles of me even wants to have anything to do with me. Fuck.
I hadn't had a childhood, I'd had a mini adulthood, so far from my peers that I could hardly identify with them. It's in the teen years, particularly, that you learn the rules society has set down—how to meet and mix with other people, all the social and sexual signals, the anthropology of your culture. Without them, and out in the world, you find you're as well prepared for socializing as you would be if you were living amongst a New Guinea tribe. You're not a part of it, you don't fit. And, of course, when you fail out of ignorance to respond to the rituals of society you get pigeonholed and stereotyped and promptly ignored. In my case the men and women at college decided that I was sexless, a neuter without the needs they all had. God! How I envied them.
Every time I looked in a mirror I saw myself growing older, falling apart a little more, losing my last chance at ever joining humanity. I was becoming, had become, not human at all, but a sort of friendly alien, a creature that was nonhuman in all respects and, like Marley's ghost, could only wander the world watching happiness it could not share, existing but somehow apart. I moved through crowds, the only one of my kind.
I wanted a wife, children, parties, dancing, mixing, socializing, feeling, love, tenderness, togetherness with another human being. And there I stood, looking at reality, standing looking at the mirror knowing it just wasn't going to happen. I didn't really want real life any more, not that kind, and lying in bed, in the stillness of the early morning, I wondered if I really wanted life at all.
Here, perhaps only here, I was at least partly human, as close to nature and the world as I could get. Here there were no pressures, no social rules, no sign of beautiful people and the kind of normalcy I had never known. I didn't want to go back. I knew that for a certainty. This sort of peace and freedom was beyond me in any crowded, social setting. Soon it would be back to the cities and the bustling humanity and a world that was very much like that bar, a world in which I was not equipped to live and join and mingle, but only to sit silently at endless dark tables sipping, sipping my drink that might bring forgetfulness while observing the rest of the world in a manner oh, so very clinical and so damnably detached from myself.
I thought again about women, oddly. I'd more than once taken a woman to dinner and had pleasant conversation, or to a show, but after they'd eaten and watched, they'd walk off with somebody they met in the waiting room or at intermission. More than one had put the bite on me for a loan, or propped up my ego so I'd buy them dinner, only to use the money to treat somebody else to a date. I was a soft touch and often used, and I knew I was a sucker, but, damn it, if all hope vanishes what's left?
But I realized, late that night, in the deepening gloom that I had lost hope. My scars were too deep, too painful, and would never heal, and they had me in agony. I was a human being! Why, then, did everyone around me insist on being treated as a human being but never even think to treat me like one? Hurry! Hurry! See the robotic man! He walks! He talks! He thinks! But he never feels…
But I felt, all right. Every single time was another scar on my soul—no, not a scar, a festering, rotting, infected wound that would never heal, never subside, could only be compounded more and more until the pain grew unbearable. I could feel them now, those wounds, growing worse and worse as I approached a return to civilization and society, already near the threshold of pain. Weeping slightly in my lonely tent, uncaring as to what would happen, I finally, mercifully drifted into sleep.
I need to shake this depression that I can't seem to get rid of. The good days seem to be outnumbered by the bad days, and it's getting worse. It's not lack of a relationship and the forever aloneness (though that doesn't help), but the isolation I seem to have from everyone around me. I go to work and put on the mask that I have to show to the world, but I feel so alone and friendless.
It was brought home hard this past week too. I... It was just a very bad week on a very bad mont on a year that hasn't been good at all. Like how no one checked to see if I was okay when I was out of work for a few months with a broken knee and being sick on top of that.
I then though back on how many even cared when I was going through that. I looked at postings about it. It told me what I though, that not many care. Even though I am a bit of an introvert I still want some friends, to not be so alone, to have company of people. I have invited people over, but they never come. I have invited people to meet out somewhere, but they never come. I have been so desperate for company and companionship that I even offered to cover eating out, but still I am alone. To even have someone to talk to and hang out with I have to drive 120 miles in one direction (Huntsville AL or Benton KY, take your pick). I used to have a friend, in McMinnville, and I was the one who made the effort to visit, but then that seemed to fade and whither.
At OMGcon this year I had people who either took a look, and then avoided me both in and out of costume, or in the case of one person, walked up, pointed directly at my face while in costume, and did an overly dramatic laugh. I also had people come to me and say very bad and hurtful things to me. Hurtful enough that I would have driven home the first day if I had not given my word about assisting a dealer there. I can't abandon someone who depends on me to help them, especially when I gave my word that I will help out. If it weren't for that I would have told the people I was rooming with to keep the room money and went home on Friday. So, yet another experience being treated as if I am nothing more than trash in human disguise, simply to be discarded and stepped upon. It's almost if I had rumors spread in advance of my attendance. I still had to smile, and let it pass, all the while feeling people putting more bricks in the wall that separates me from the rest of humanity.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why fate has decreed loneliness for me. I've cried out to God asking why, but I hear silence, the same as I always hear. Do I give off a "leave me alone" vibe? Should I simply put away the costumes and cons and put on another mask that isn't me? Should I feign an interest in the sports, swilling beer, and racing that is expected of the typical male, just so I will not be lonely? Just "suck it up and carry on" like I am always told, pushing my feelings, desires, my emotions down and sealing them away? DO I have to put on another costume, a final costume that I would wear from here to eternity, that isn't me, just so I will not be alone? The last girl that expressed any interest in me told me she would consider dating me if I got rid of all my costumes, anime, and figures, and quit cons and went to sporting events instead, in other words, became a real man. And ohh, by the way I had to change my wardrobe to suit her too.
I don't want to put on those masks, because they are starting to crack. It is exhausting me to keep it up. I am getting migraines from the smile on my face when I keep feeling more and more distant, but I don't know what to do. If I didn't have a career and a nice home and property I would simply pack up all the things that matter to me and disappear. Just go somewhere where I could start new, and maybe, just maybe have people that would give me a chance, that would accept me. But I can't. I will simply keep going on, all while the wall keeps getting higher and higher. I will simply keep putting on the mask, showing the smiling face to the world, showing everyone the person who has it all together and doesn't need to conform, nor need anyone at all. No friends. No love in my life. Just me, and me alone, as an island to himself. The guy that gets things done, then goes away. The one that is there for people to dump their problems on, but who has no problems of his own. The one who helps fix things for others, but then when he isn't needed needs to simply go away. It is so hard, but I have to continue on, staring down years of cold indifference and some outright hatred with a few bright spots on a few weekends here and there.
I don't expect any of you have a clue as to how it is. You're all younger than I am. You have your friends, those you've known for years, who you hang out with. Most of you grew up and have roots here, whereas I've been here just a little over 3 years. I'm sorry I vented a little here, and if it offended you, simply move past it. Put me on the ignore list. But please, if you have friends in your peer group that seem a little lonely, please let them know you care. Don't let them be like me, the guy who is staring down 37 years of age, and who has been out on his own for over 20 years, and alone and lonely for almost that whole time. Please don't discard them.